I believe in coincidences. Being in the right place at the right time. Opportunity knocking. A super blood moon in a clear sky. Coincidences. I believe in the atoms – which make up everything we see – oscillating and crashing into each other, and occasionally meeting up in just the right formation to present amazing circumstances to whomsoever is prepared to take advantage of them. I believe in coincidences. I am rarely in the position to leap at the amazing opportunities they present.
My inability to seize (or even see) every opportunity that comes my way is a huge source of anxiety for me, because I am a doer. I am a creator. I’m at my best when I am taking something my mind made up, and making it real in the world outside of myself. And, my mind never comes up with small things. Ever. Whether it’s what to do for my birthday, or what to do for my business, my mind is incapable of coming up with easy, effortless things. It lets me think it comes up with easy things, at first. Then I’m all, “mind, that is a great idea. We should totally do that!” And, my mind is all, “GOTCHYA! This is only the tip of the iceberg. Go big or go home, Genie!” I’ve been tricked! I’ve been had. I’ve already accepted the challenge my mind put before me, and I get to the doing of making things real. Because I am a creator. I am a doer. I want to keep up with the scale of the things my mind thinks up, and to do that I need to seize opportunities that propel me forward. So, when the atoms come together to present an opportunity and I cannot DO (or I have not done), I feel like I have failed.
I hate failing. Everybody hates failing, but some people don’t DO because they are afraid of failing. I, on the other hand, have failed when I don’t DO. I have failed a lot. Whether it was money, or social anxiety, or insecurity, whenever I let something keep me from DOing, I have failed. I am 31 years old. I am tired of failing.
I am very strong-willed. I don’t mean strong-willed in the way that people are argumentative for the sake of being argumentative (though, I do have strong opinions about a myriad of things), I mean if wills could lift weights my will would bench press twice my weight with ease. Y’all should’ve never given me, “where there’s a will, there’s a way.” I am so strong-willed I am often disappointed by the fact that I cannot physically move things with my mind, and I have wanted this ability since I was a child. I am so serious, right now. I didn’t want to fly. I didn’t want to read minds. I wanted be telekinetic, so I could literally make the world the way I wanted it. This isn’t something I always knew about myself, but it is something I am coming to understand and embrace, because I plan to wield my will over my life so I can stop failing.
I am dating. I am dating because I am not married, and I would like to be married sooner rather than later. I ceased being disappointed with myself for not being married, with two kids and a dog by the age of 23, long ago (13-yr olds have some awesome ideas about the world, don’t they?), but I recently realized that I had stopped there. I had thrown my hands up. Sure, I created profiles up on various dating websites – which I considered casting a wider net – but I never really did much else, because I’d resigned to letting whatever happened happen. For years, this is how people have told me it works; “when you’re not looking, that’s when it happens”. This doesn’t work for me. This never works for me because I am strong-willed. I am never okay with “whatever happens”, I always want what I want to happen. And, I want to be married sooner rather than later, but I don’t see the opportunity.
I decide I am strong-willed. I decide I am a doer. I decide I am a creator who will make real the things my mind thinks up. So, I will create my own opportunity. I will wield my will over any atom in arm’s reach, to create an opportunity for myself. But, wait . . . my mind says I’m not thinking big enough. Sure there are a bazillion atoms within reach of my own arms, but why stop there? And, I say, “great idea, mind! I need to extend my reach exponentially!” Enter Facebook, the social network for family and friends you haven’t seen in ages, but don’t want to let go of. The people who you possibly haven’t broken bread with in a month of Sundays, but will be the ones to call and say, “let me know if you need anything”, should you find yourself on hard times. I need something. Not a little something, either. I need to move atoms beyond my reach, to create an opportunity. My will lifted weights before, but this? This was me signing my will up for CrossFit. So, letting my will flex its muscle, I post a call-to-arms to my Facebook network. All five hundred sixty-one friends. I need them to help me influence more atoms. And, they respond! They don’t just respond, one amazing Facebook friend (named Ramona) even answers the call!
I have a date. Thanks to Ramona, who I can’t even recall seeing in the past two years, I have a date. He’s smart. He’s a doer. He’s a tall, handsome, accomplished man who already seems to have quite a bit of interest in me. Did I mention he’s handsome? I have a date with him. And, you know what else? It turns out, he lives eight blocks away. How’s that for coincidence!