I’m frustrated. At least, frustration is what I’m feeling on the surface. When I mull it over for a few moments, there’s a familiar tightening in my belly that lets me know anger is there. And, because I have dueling tendencies to overthink and over-feel, I search for the source of that anger. That’s where I find longing and, ultimately, the anxiety that comes from realizing that I am trying to mentally will something into existence that I have no control over. That something is my hero.
If you’re reading this, you probably know a few things about me. And, if you know anything about me, you know I have no romantic ideas about being saved. I save myself. I may help someone save themselves. I have no need for a knight in shining armor (though, Oliver Warbucks can inquire within), in real life or on screen. What I long for is the badass that I can call my own. Who looks like me. Who shares my enemies, my allies, my defeats, and my victories. Right now she doesn’t exist, and I don’t have the power to make her.
I used to be excited about comic book movies. I would eagerly spend my hard-earned money to see most of them on the day they opened. To be blunt: I’m tired. To be frank: I’m tired of watching white men be saviors in tights. And, I know why we’re going to keep seeing movies about white men saving the damsel/United States/Earth/etc. Those movies will never go away, and that’s fine. But, at this point, it feels like the powers that be, who tell stories and distribute those stories on a massive scale, have resigned to throw Black women crumbs until we wither away and die. Then, they can pretend we never existed in the first place. My hero is the only one who can save me from this fate, and she doesn’t exist. And, I can’t make her. Yet.
I’m frustrated. And, I’m tired. And, I’m done spending money watching The Avengers/Superman/Thor/X-men – Especially X-Men. The people responsible for the X-Men movies can kick the dustiest of rocks, for what they’ve done to Storm – . They have enough of my money, and they won’t get a penny more. I’m holding out for my hero, and she better be strong, and she better be fast, and she better be able to fight.